In today’s world where information and means to get it have become relatively easy, our attitude and response system has become a very important differentiator. Attitude depends on our state of being. All of us have varying levels of “being”.
Some positive empowered states are purposeful, passionate, joyous, happy, fulfilled, ever grateful, calm, peaceful, loving, motivated, inspired/ inspiring, enthusiastic, energetic, excited, empathetic among many others.
Some disempowering states are the lack of the positives, angry, anxious, insecure, misunderstood, stressed, resentful, tired/ jaded, frustrated, overwhelmed, isolated, impatient, self-critical, fearful, distracted, guilty, worried among many more.
None of us would argue against the fact that we would prefer to be in the empowered state rather than disempowered. The moot question is whether I can transform my emotions and state of being?
It is a law of the universe that one gets what one gives. If one does not restrict the universe gives us what we want as long as we are focusing on that.
We have probably heard/ realized this eternal truth but may not be clear how to go about doing something about it or just do not have the time or energy to focus on this life changing “attitude change” which is necessary for us to be better self and growing for the better of ourselves and the world at large.
AAA Tool – 3 Steps
- Awareness:
- Be aware of that which empowers us to work/ focus on our strengths to improve
- Be aware of that which restricts us to look / focus on solutions to overcome
Look at the impact (short term/ long term) of both the above to its importance in one’s life.
- Look for triggers / indications which set of the negative emotions.
- Resolve the triggers/ indications over time by working on alternatives from abundance/ positive visualization rather than from despair or fatalistic thought process.
Note: This exercise would be far more productive if each stage is recorded.
- Acceptance of that which is uncontrollable, controllable, choosing what emotion to change. Look at empowering alternatives ( list out why it is good) & chose the one which we fancy.
- Action on chosen empowering alternative. Actions to be clear, specific, real, possible and within time envisaged. This action plan could be tracked, self-monitored at weekly/ monthly basis to keep at it.
In my attempts at coaching and mentoring it is often that I am unable to get through the concept other than something abstract which is worth having. However, knowing does not resolve the problem in hand nor it transforms us. Therefore, I have attempted a case study on “anger” one of the emotions which has been with me for decades. Maybe in lesser degree with some of the readers. People have called me a loose cannon, super reactive and lesser parliamentary phrases. One of my old friend in one of those cosy, conducive environment in the evening with a glass once remarked- I do not know whether it is better to be your enemy than friend!
Case study on Anger
Awareness of Behavior/ Issue
Step Ia) Anger without getting angry can work wonders for leaders and managers. It can be a great strength.
Step Ib) Adverse impact: responding incorrectly without reason/ consideration; regret later, powerless, cynical, anxiousness increased among others. This could lead to high blood pressure, headaches, spoiling relationships, less immunity, frequent sickness among others.
Step Ic) The triggers could vary and could include people: being untruthful to me ( even if I am untruthful or more if I am truthful), not listening to me or my opinions, not respecting me, not appreciating me, being dogmatic and not looking at the changing world, being unjust/ unfair to me, threatening me, pushing me into a corner, invalidating me among others.
At times these triggers want me to escape, blame, complain, build hatred, irritation, hostility which gets expressed in words/ deeds which lead to undesirable outcomes discussed earlier.
II. Arriving at empowering alternatives:
Human being has evolved over centuries protecting themselves from harm (physical) and therefore have a bundle of instincts which are carried forward even today though we are relatively safe. (other than from corona) The funneling of exciting news (fights, murders, loud noises, catastrophies) on our mobiles, TV, newspaper and our concerned parents / teachers/ well-wishers who wish to protect us with their don’t do this/ don’t do that… builds negative emotions which no one on earth can avoid. Now with the amazons, google, Instagram etc stealing our mind/ creativity attempting to make us pliable robots and moulding us to the marketeers needs, it has got much worse. ( see documentary social dilemma). Therefore, there is nothing wrong in one being angry at times at all. We can accept ourselves as we are. Look at whether we can control what is happening outside of us. Maybe to a small extent. Largely events and other behavior is uncontrollable. What we can control is our response to that which is outside/ insulate ourselves by our empowered positive beliefs.
The best solution in the circumstances seems to be to look for empowering alternatives to being angry by looking at each trigger as under:
- People being untruthful to me: Put yourself in the shoes of that person and see why/ in what circumstances ( his environment/ challenges) he does so. Look for triggers for his/ her action. Ask a question whether my behavior or being (maybe of being strict disciplinarian, angry person, vindicative, quick to come to conclusion) is the probable cause?
- Not listening: Empathising, his triggers, my behavior as above and possible questions to get a perspective could be : Am I listening, do I have his interest in mind, am I respectable/ honorable, calm collected..
- Not respecting me: All of above and possible questions: Am I worthy of respect in his eyes, have I focused on being respectable enough, …
Similar exercise can be done for all the triggers. This would give me a more wholesome and real perspective of the trigger and the possibilities on the other side. Maybe we understand and do not find it such a big offense against us. The severity would come down substantially for sure. This is time to look at the future we wish to have, visualise the outcome from abundance/ positivity. Possibly we are looking at those short and long term transformation to be less angry. The decision to be less angry and get to be calm possibly is an alternative of choice here.
- Action to put in action the choice
Next, we can look at what are those common actions which may have a positive impact in the short term and long term as under:
- Advance warning system of possible event which would unfold later in the day, next day, when we meet someone…
- Taking time out – do not react immediately for 5 minutes. Excuse yourself from that conversation or place. Rest room?
- Breathe deeply to reduce the agitation presently. Do actions to emphatise for 1,2,3 above.
- Drop the baggage (past negative events which have now attained reality) relating to that person.
- Look at the “event” and what it would mean in 1 month or 1 year. Is it really that important?
- Make a list of the good things of that person for which you can be grateful– deliberate gratitude. [ Maybe the next day if agitation is high]
- If you have some time- write down you feelings in scrap book. Do not refer to it again. Quickly it would deflate the negative feelings to a dull throb. Try it.
- Build up regular periods of silence or meditation for calming the mind & body.
- Regular exercise and proper rest are also good antidotes to anger.
- Google for how to dilute/ reduce/ avoid anger- wealth of information available.
In case none of these are working as you expect, seek counselling from trusted friends/ elders or even outside. Anger is also something which can be treated. Millions of tips on the google on anger management validate this view.
The actions for dealing with each dis-empowering emotion could be different while some relating to self could be common. [ iv to x above] The information available on the internet is plenty. Choose that which applies to you to reduce/ get rid of these habits/ responses to lead a happy and joyous life of achievement and substance by following this AAA Tool. There are many tools which need to be evaluated. I attempted to understand how this can be used. Looks good worked for me and some other. Thought I should share. All the best. Feedback at [email protected]